you are where you want to be

The infamous Kübler-Ross model says that there are five stages of grief. From Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, it could be a long journey.

The intensity or the sequence might differ from person to person. But, no matter what stage you’re at, the decision is in your hands, or more specifically, on your own mind. You dwell where you want to be & only you can decide how to move on to the next stage, one day at a time.

Recently, I found myself reading a lot of articles on how to move on and how to reach the stage of acceptance when something/ someone important from your life ceases. When a relationship fails, just like a loved ones’ death, it comes as a serious blow to your emotional and physical being. The stages can be tricky. At times, it just becomes difficult to understand what and where you went wrong. You keep going through it all in your head, multiple times, just to figure out a way you could have avoided it. There are also phases when you feel guilty and heartbroken over how you have been moving on so quickly, or haven’t been able to move on, at all. Although the textbook tricks help at times, there are nights when you lie on the bed like an octopus, looking up at the circular patterns the ceiling fan makes, for hours. There are mornings when you do not want to wake up because that will mean you have to face the reality again. And that is the last thing you want to do. But situations, things, and people change all the time. You are going to be disappointed way more than you’d expect. There are moments when you wish it was easier to deal with. But, it isn’t and there’s no way around it.

Sometimes, I feel like there is a huge wall before me. I want to get to the other side. But it seems impossible. I want to break it or make a hole to pass through it, but I simply don’t know how.

Occasionally, I feel like I am covered in dirty, wet brown grease. It smells awful and I cannot figure out how to wash it all away. Its sticky and you want it gone, but it just won’t go. Sometimes I think, the wall and the grease have been there all along. I remember thinking about it from time to time. It might have started when I was 18 and stupid. The wall was never really broken; the grease never washed off. I simply chose to ignore it and the people around me didn’t make me feel it.

But, it’s time to let it all go; to conquer the demons inside and wash off the muddy grease by standing under the shower, for a longer time than usual. It is time to let the guard down and explore, not just the outer world but also the inner self. It is time to break the wall by removing one brick after the other and creating a gate to the other side.

It is time to heal and let my surrounding heal too. I’ve had it in me to be stronger and better, and I still do. I just need to give it a chance, just one more day of waking up and facing the day. Just one more night of trying to not cry myself to sleep. 

You are where you want to be. 

The acceptance is coming.

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