you are where you want to be

The infamous Kübler-Ross model says that there are five stages of grief. From Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, it could be a long journey.

The intensity or the sequence might differ from person to person. But, no matter what stage you’re at, the decision is in your hands, or more specifically, on your own mind. You dwell where you want to be & only you can decide how to move on to the next stage, one day at a time.

Recently, I found myself reading a lot of articles on how to move on and how to reach the stage of acceptance when something/ someone important from your life ceases. When a relationship fails, just like a loved ones’ death, it comes as a serious blow to your emotional and physical being. The stages can be tricky. At times, it just becomes difficult to understand what and where you went wrong. You keep going through it all in your head, multiple times, just to figure out a way you could have avoided it. There are also phases when you feel guilty and heartbroken over how you have been moving on so quickly, or haven’t been able to move on, at all. Although the textbook tricks help at times, there are nights when you lie on the bed like an octopus, looking up at the circular patterns the ceiling fan makes, for hours. There are mornings when you do not want to wake up because it will just make you want to face the reality, again. And somehow, that is the last thing you want to do. Sometimes when the cat cuddles beside you, you just want to hold on to the moment. You like how she trusts you and never lets you go away, even in her sleep. Unlike people, who disappoint and leave, always. And there are moments when you wish all of this was easier to deal with. But, it isn’t and there’s no way around it.

Sometimes, it feels like there is a huge wall. It becomes impossible to get to the other side of it. You want to break it, of course. Or make a hole to pass through it, but you simply don’t know how.

Occasionally, there is a pool of mud and you are tainted with the wet brown grease. It smells awful and you cannot figure out how to wash yourselves. Maybe, the wall and the grease have been there all along. You remember thinking about it from time to time. It might have started when you were 18 and stupid. And then the wall was never really broken; the grease never washed off. You just chose to ignore it and the people around you hid it with their fragrance and love.

But, it’s time to let it all go; to conquer the demons inside of you and go wash off the muddy grease by standing under the shower, today for a longer time than usual. It is time to let the guard down that is inside you, to explore, not the world but your inner self. It is about time to break the wall just by looking at it with a sheer will & intensity of breaking it apart to pieces. It is time to heal and let the surrounding be healed by your presence. You have always been a beautiful piece of art. You have been living, almost perfectly well, way before they walked in on your life, the demons and the people, both. You’ve had it in you and you still do. You just need to give it a chance, just one more day of waking up. You are where you want to be. It is only working out for the best.

The acceptance is coming.

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